And You Let Her Go
by arandomshipper
Summary: Slight AU. The night before the big day, Spenser does some introspection. One-sided SPAM oneshot. Spenser POV. Rated for references to adult content.


A/N: I never thought I would write a songfic. The whole idea seemed kind of pretentious to me. But then I was suddenly inspired to this storyline while listening to "Let Her Go" by Passenger, and I just had to. But, even though that was the inspiration for the story, I'm not going to say you should listen to it while reading or anything. Only if you feel like it. Also, I'm purposely not using names here, but you guys know who I'm talking about. Right?

Disclaimer: I'm not an owner, I'm just a random shipper.

 **And You Let Her Go**

 _Well you only need the light when it's burning low_

 _Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

 _Only know you've been high when you're feeling low_

 _Only hate the road when you're missing home_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

 _And you let her go_

The wineglass is empty. He wishes his head was as empty, but no matter how many times he fills the glass and drains it again, the thoughts and memories just won't drain away. So he gives up and stares at the empty glass, his mind taking an unwilling journey through time.

 _Staring at the bottom of your glass_

 _Hoping one day you'll make a dream last_

 _But dreams come slow and they go so fast_

 _You see her when you close your eyes_

 _Maybe one day you'll understand why_

 _Everything you touch surely dies_

Sixteen years ago. At twenty-two years of age, he had just taken custody of his little sister. His wonderful, bouncy, energetic, ten-year-old little sister. Thoughts of her bring a smile to his face, joy without the pain, but not for long. Because he remembers the very first friend that sister made when she moved in with him.

Love at first sight is supposed to be a beautiful thing. Not when it's an adult falling in love with a child. There's nothing beautiful about that. She was dazzling. Already beautiful, intelligent, and strong, strong, strong, almost beyond belief. Irresistible and charming, as well as angry and violent. Cynical eyes that let no one in. One look and he was history, a goner. But he's not a monster, so he buried those feelings down deep and put on a facade. Though he'd never been capable of any kind of deception, lying, acting, and still is not to this very day, this became the one exception. He treated her like any other child, never letting so much as a hint escape that to him she was special, the most precious in the world, and the object of his desire.

It wasn't long before he discovered that she had good reason to be cynical at a young age. Her family circumstances were about as bad as can be imagined. No father, and a neglectful if not outright abusive mother, parading neglectful and abusive pseudo-fathers through the house on a weekly basis, as well as extended family that spend more time behind bars than outside them. It's no wonder she spent all her time at his house, where he made sure that she at least had food and some form of attention and care given. He couldn't allow himself too much of that or he would've risked his true feelings showing, but it shocked him how little care and concern she needed, like a camel adapted for a desert climate, able to go for weeks on a sip of water.

 _But you only need the light when it's burning low_

 _Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

 _Only know you've been high when you're feeling low_

 _Only hate the road when you're missing home_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

Over the next couple of years she spent less and and less time at her own house, refusing to go home for weeks at a time. And of course he let her stay. He could never tell her no about anything. The situation came to a head when her mother dropped by one day with all her belongings and the papers ready for guardianship to be signed over to him. From what she told him, in a rare moment of sobriety she realized just how dangerous her way of life was for her daughter and her conscience compelled her to rectify that before she slipped back into old habits. Unwilling to put her through the Russian roulette of "the system", she begged him to accept. At twenty-four, he became guardian of a second child.

For a single man in his twenties, raising two preteen girls is already an impossible task, but it was much worse than that for him. He was in love with one, and, like heaven was mocking him in his torment, she developed a crush on him. The next three years, from when she was age twelve to fifteen, were the most difficult of his entire life. Never letting his guard down for one second of one minute of one day. If she knew that he knew about her crush on him...that would've been bad. If she knew about his feelings for her, it would've been absolute disaster. She's too stubborn and strong-willed to have EVER backed down, and he would've surely fallen. Yet, while reaching into reserves of willpower he never thought he had to hold himself in check, he couldn't so much as allow himself the respite of keeping a distance either. He was the only parental figure in her life, the only adult or male of any age she had so much as a modicum of respect for. If he had pushed her away, she might never have opened up to the world.

He tried to fix his problem using love. He's not really sure why, but he's always been fairly popular with the fairer sex. He threw himself into one relationship after another, each time convinced that this, this will be the one who makes him forget. He dated women that were beautiful, nice, responsible, mature, everything he needed in his life, but it never lasted. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, they all left. He hated the example he was setting for the two girls under his care, but there was nothing he could do except to stop trying, and that wasn't an option. Not until years later. So he continued to date and date and prayed that his two precious girls wouldn't take his example.

 _Staring at the ceiling in the dark_

 _Same old empty feeling in your heart_

 _'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast_

 _Well you see her when you fall asleep_

 _But never to touch and never to keep_

 _'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep_

His desires drove him nearly insane, especially in the times between girlfriends. More than once, he had a lucid dream in which he took exactly what he wanted. It looked real, it felt real, he believed it was real, but his inhibitions were unshackled by his conscious mind. He would wake up terrified at what he had done, crying tears of regret that would quickly change to tears of relief when he found it was all a dream. He threw his twisted feelings into his art. He became more and more renowned, receiving praise from art critics far and wide, none of them ever suspecting the source of his inspiration, the angst he hid from the world.

When she turned sixteen, relief finally came for him. She got over him, and started dating that boy from across the hall, Benson. She'd had an antagonistic relationship with him before, but as can often happen, the one she picked on as a child became the one she was drawn to as a teenager. He was happy that she found someone her age to love, and a good person, too. He both loved and hated that Benson kid, hated him for having something that he himself could never have, loved him for making his princess happy. He finally, finally had an easy way to deny his desires, knowing that she would not welcome his affections any longer.

Yes, his life has been much easier since that time, especially when she turned eighteen and went off to college. He laughs a little. She never thought that she would go to college, but she always had the brains for it. It was only her attitude that ever kept her back, a relic of a time when she needed that attitude to protect her from life. Under his care and with the constant, unrelenting love from that Benson kid, as well as his little sister, she blossomed into the kind, forgiving, loving person she was always meant to be. She still had that layer of toughness underneath it all, but she was a happy person, and showed it to the world. He sent her off to college undaunted by life's challenges. At that point, he no longer had need of romance to distract him. He stopped dating altogether. He still received offers whenever he went out, constantly, to this very day, which he always politely declined.

The two kids continued to date, and he watched from afar. High school relationships almost never continue for so long, but they were two very special people. He was proud, and happy that his own unintentionally promiscuous lifestyle had not been passed on. He stayed in constant contact with both of them as well as his blood-related sister, essentially living vicariously through them. His own life consisted of art, art, and more art. He became ever more reclusive. leaving home only to shop or attend art shows.

 _But you only need the light when it's burning low_

 _Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

 _Only know you've been high when you're feeling low_

 _Only hate the road when you're missing home_

 _Only know you love her when you let her go_

And finally it happened. They'd been dating ten years, it was well past time. The day of reckoning had arrived. They told him as soon as it happened, of course, showing off the rings with pride, so it was not any kind of shock when he opened the mailbox one morning to find the piece of paper that now sat on the table next to his glass, a seemingly innocuous piece of paper that had the power to tear his world apart.

The Passenger song runs through his very being like water through a canal, the lyrics hitting him right where it hurts. He turns off the radio as soon as it comes on, but it's too late. He knows the song by heart, and he hears it even in the dead silence. It fits so well. The whole thing, except for one small part. He knew he loved her well before he let her go. He made the choice to let her go with the full knowledge of what he was doing to himself. That didn't make it hurt any less. Actually, it probably made it hurt more.

His wine glass began filling once more, this time with his tears. He can't drink anymore. The rehearsal had happened today, the real thing was tomorrow. He can't miss it, no matter how much he wants to run to the far ends of the earth. She would never understand, and he would never do that to her. Once more, he would pull himself together and set aside his own desires. For her. Always for her. He drags himself to his room and throws himself on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, fighting his way to sleep.

He wakes the next morning in the same state he went to sleep. He goes through routine like a zombie, showering, breakfasting. He isn't sure how he gets to the venue, but he miraculously finds himself there, and on time. Thankfully, there is a wedding coordinator to tell him what to do and where to go. His brain isn't working properly. Suddenly, somehow, he finds himself alone with her, in the brideroom.

"So. Here we are." Her voice is tremulous. Nerves, he supposes. Understandable. Her need calls to him, like it always has. He reaches through his pain for the words she needs.

"Listen. You are such a strong, amazing woman. I've watched you grow up and been astonished at how you could turn out so well, even with someone like me raising you. I've watched you with this guy-who isn't nearly good enough for you, by the way! But he's a really good guy, and he loves you. And you love him. I have absolute faith in you, and your choices. You'll be fine."

Her eyes fill with tears and she throws her arms around his neck, squeezing him so tight he thinks he might not live to see the ceremony after all. "Thank you so much. For always knowing exactly what to say. For always being there for me. Thank you. Dad."

And just like that, it's all gone. All the pain, all the negative emotions, all the pseudo-regret for what might have been. It's all gone, erased by that one word, a word he never thought he'd hear from her. Dad. That's who he was. Dad. Happiness fills him, the happiness of knowing that he made it to the end, that he did the right thing, that it's all worth it. And as the music plays, and he walks her up the aisle, as the preacher says those words he's been dreading for weeks, "Who gives this woman to be wed?", he hears his own voice answer clearly the words he never thought he'd be able to choke out, "Her mother and I".

And he let her go.

A/N: Are you crying? I'm crying. I've never cried before from something I wrote, but I'm crying now. Review if you feel like it. *goes into corner with tissue box*


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